Molten · Crazy

Inner dialogue at work


The ponderings on cigarette breaks
Cigarette break 1

The darker sides of human nature.
Passive aggression.
I think it is funny that most people think everyone else is shallow. I am included into this. I DO think people in general are complete morons.
I don't ALWAYS let on everything I see. I do however play over even the slightest things said in my head so it's usually pretty rare that passive aggression goes on unnoticed. I mean.....I am two semesters away from having a degree in Psycology..........so little psychological games are immediately flagged and then discected into the hows and whys.
My tolerance for this bullshit is remarkably high....like my tolerance for most things.
I am not above turning on a dime and leaving two cents for change.
Growing up gay in Alabama made me a little vicious when it comes to fighting. I don't pull punches. I arm myself with facts and examples and cock both guns.
Beware all who play games with me for their own drama.
Mark my word
You will rue the day you though this bullshit will continue
I may let it go for a short amount of time before I deal with the situation
but make no mistake....
this bullshit had as much probability of going over as a LEAD Zepplin.
It's probably not going to end well.
I am not going to fight fire with fire!
I fight fire with Gasoline and watch the pretty light show and the see it burn itself out.
Unless I feel like peeing on the fire.
Just to add insult to injury.


*SIDE NOTE - WHERE IS MY GOD DAMNED CHICKEN SALAD!  *

No cigarette is better than the cigarette right after you eat.
Well... With exception of the one you smoke after the adrenalin rush is starting to wane from a encounter with an officer of the law!

another note.....I shall never get the chicken salad from the bagel factory again


Cigarette break 2

Is actually cigarette break like Thirty -seven but who is counting.

Darker side of human nature number two- Blame
Blame is the kind of thing with ease is laid but few are quick to claim.
I think this is funny being that people in general are really selfish.
Of course I include myself as part of the selfish bunch. Although I do not do so to hurt other people or out of spite but I posses the ability to admit when I am wrong.
I use that ability sparingly.
Most of the time I don't have to use it at all.


Cigarette break 3
(translation; two packs down and counting)

Not much thinking on that break.
I am still doing the same circular trip around the same issues on the same road riding through the same toll booth and back around again.
Turning the other cheek often just gives someone another target. No matter how much "Black and Blue"  are your colors. There is a point where you can not accept being a kick dog or bad about yourself and your actions. After all, You can only kick a dog so many times before it does not come back anymore.
There is only so pissed you can be at someone before you wash your hands clean.

As I slowly back away from my anger and this posting....
I am choosing not to be angry.
I feel warm in the knowledge that I recognize that people are idiots and have glass plus motives.
Those people who play with matches get burned right along with the bridges they still stand on.
There has never been a bridge burned that proposed me with the problem of having NO OTHER OPTIONS!

Caio

WOW! Who is pissy today???
ME!
I have an ingrown hair in my neck.
My nose hurts and not from recreational activity.
I'm antsy and more than one thing is pissing me off for more than one reason.
I guess I just started the day off on the wrong foot.

I just don't always understand unlogical logic.
Don't get me wrong I have my own crazy ideas from time to time but FUCK people....following point a to point b in the least amount of steps that benefit everyone is almost but not quite always the appropriate steps to take.

This supports my theory that EVERYONE IS A FREAKING IDIOT!

The fact that I am so artsy and musically minded should give some clue that I follow my heart.
I guess I may not always have the best ideas but I at least follow through and recognize that though I may be taking my way...I understand it is not the best way. Not the easiest...and I don't put others out.

I guess I just have to remind myself today that you have to do things out of the kindness of your heart......
the second you expect payback for past kindness....
you will find the return is not at all as much as you would think.


Homicide is not an option.......






Or is it?

Trouble in paradise....
I would not say just that just yet.

It;s a hard thing to deal with when people who care about you do not get along.
Punchy remarks
defenses taken

Whats a boy to do but just keep on keeping on right.
Everything will sort itself out.

Anyway......
Enough about that.

I am having an astoundingly great weekend.
It's too bed there are a limited number of them left before I have to return to ole mundane life.

I curse fate but at leased I got a little goodness leased to me for a little wile.
I hate to see the headonist treadmill on this one

More inner-dialogue from work.


i WORK WITH CRAZY PEOPLES.
AT LEAST I FIT IN!

So I have been spending my free time today looking around the Democratic candidates for President.
So far ...at least at first glance....Clinton is who I am leaning towards.
I think it is a little bit of bullshit on who the entire party is seemingly pushing off anything to do with gay marriage on the state.
What bull shit!

Of course this will not be the sole factor in my vote....
but will play a major consideration.

I want to get married!
Not just a civil union.

I want the kids in the upper east side posh apartment with a bell man and a maid with my dealer on speed dial like every other non-self loathing faggot
Is that soooooooooooooooo much to ask for????????

Apparently to much for bible belt America to see things my way...not that too many people do.

One thing is for certain
I will see these things in my life time
You mark my words bitches!

The Eggs, the basket and the truth

 

It's funny how in the aftermath of certain nights of going out of your mind what conclusions you draw.

For instance.......a little gesture made towards me made my entire eventing.

Action spoke louder than the written word evidently, or did not speak I dare say.

I have been told by many people that I have a habit of putting too many if not all of my eggs in one basket.

So, I have been warned.

I also, have been continually let down for most of my life.

 

One thing I love and hate about myself is that when I set my mind to something I go full throttle until said destination is reached. Perhaps I am a little to pushy with certain subjects but with my track record I have absolutely nothing left to lose but a little more pride here and there.

I also love and hate that there is a little switch somewhere deep deep dep inside of me. When I flip it ...it is flipped. When I decide to turn something off I turn it off. It is as simple as that. I do think I may have a faulty ability on the actual deciding of when to turn it off.

I choose to believe that I am an optimist in many respects and believe in the benefit of the doubt.

 

In this day and age.....is getting a clear signal still a reasonable thing to ask for?

In this day and age is it so bad to choose a basket for ones eggs and hope to skip merrily on my way?

 

In this day and age...Anything is possible.

I just think I am the only one who sees it.

Or willing to make any kind of sacrifice to get what I want.

 

Indecision is not a flaw or sign of non-strength.

Signals get crossed in the atmosphere constantly.....

Where do I get a de-coder.

Work= Hell
I have not had time to think today. With one exception, the day was smooth as Sunday morning.
I have luckily not had time to think about my disturbing dream where I am forgotten and blatantly disregarded after working my way through a haunted house "Resident Evil" style.
Perhaps for the best.
I am just not starting to wonder exactly what my subconscious is telling me. I know the rejection and forgotten part. The rest is a mystery.
Perhaps best not to be decrypted and left to the gloom of night.

I just wonder....am I happy here or just satiated......
both at work and in this "fair" city.
Not that leaving is even an option for me at this point.
Scott tells me that I should welcome this time and let it do for me what it has done for him.
To get a little recovery and get back on my feet.
That is the reason I came here.
I wonder though......
am I beyond being satisfied?


I have a great house, great roomie,  suitable job......
but still I want more.
I guess Atlanta and the big city had their toll on me and I am just used to more to do and more trouble to get into.
If truth be told.....I am a little unsatisfied with the "gay" scene around here. What little there is does not do much for me. Granted, the gays can be more shallow than most. On the other hand they can be more enlightened than most.
I just.......want a little more gay culture.
Sigh
but ...one does not always get what they want....
and when they do...
they often find .....
it's is not what they need.

I recorded this earlier.
Shortly after work.
You can only imagine who is the target of this.

I have got to clean my room.......
Motivation has been sadly lacking in my life for weeks now.
It's the entire throwing myself willingly onto fates train tracks.

I am pretty much facing no choice....must clean today.

Scott made a request for me to record a song for him.
It is one of the most beautiful songs and I fear I may not do it justice.
Funny though , I have already made the decision and was already working on the damned thing.
It kinda has that showy broadway chord structure to it that does not always translate well to the guitar.
I had better get back to work.
If I am to ever get out of here.
I want to try to get home and showered and room cleaned before Scott gets off work.

(my secret hope is that I will not do any of the above and just crawl into bed with him and take a nap)

I hate that in spite of my willing disregard for the coming storm.....
I still  can faintly hear the growing thunder.
I aint scared.